Beginning of a New Week…

Dear Blog,

Try as I might, I end up sounding negative. As I read my past blogs here, the same realisation dawns on me yet again. Maybe, it has got to do with the fact that, I always start a new blog when I am at a low point in my life. Either way, that is not a legitimate excuse to be so cynical.

This weekend has been a roller-coaster of emotions. Sometimes, I feel like my emotions have run amok, and I have lost all control over them. I just can’t seem to stop crying (in self-pity !) at times. The increase in the number of white hairs on my head is a good indicator of the amount I worry ! That in itself is a worrying factor. I might very well end up looking elder to S, in a couple of years. Oh, this worrying thing is a vicious cycle…

Someone please tell me how do I regain my lost enthusiasm, spirit, and most importantly, confidence !! 

P.S.  I can’t wait for the next ten days to end. Will be going home for a nice long holiday with S, back home ! Some very important decisions will be taken then…life-changing, if I might add !

Life is Difficult…

Sometimes, everything seems to be so daunting…I wonder if there are other people who feel this way too. It is indeed very silly to worry over insignificant things. That is something I know in my head. But my heart refuses to listen. Everything seems to be an insurmountable challenge…the future, my career, my married life at times, my interests, even something as small as a social visit to my uncle’s place tomorrow !

Fear paralyses you…takes over every aspect of your life. The only way to get over it is to FACE IT head on. I liked the idea of having a goal to fail as many times as possible this year. It should work for people like me, who don’t attempt to do anything because they’re so terrified of failing. What’s the worst that could happen anyway ?!

There is a risk of the failure pushing down your confidence even more. But that risk is probably worth it.

Writing Skills…

Why does my writing seem so pretentious ? Like I am trying to impress someone with it…maybe myself ! (I don’t think anybody else is ever going to read this blog). When some people write, it just seems to flow…gently. Like there was no other way it could’ve gone. What does it take to write like that ?

Is it practise ? Or is it plain God-given talent ? Is it something that can be developed…or do you just have to be plain lucky ?

Desperate Housewife…ME !

I feel like a useless, desperate housewife, at times. I don’t mean to antagonise housewives in general. I agree, some of them don’t have a choice, but to remain a housewife, at times even forced to give up a career they loved. Maybe because of their husband’s demanding career, or maybe because of the challenging task of taking care of their children. As far as I am concerned, I don’t have any of these issues. I don’t have a small child to take care of (except S !). I don’t have a very demanding hubby either. He’s an extremely considerate soul. I simply don’t have an excuse to remain a housewife.

By that I mean, there is so much I could have done in the past year ! I could have joined an NGO, in the very least. Such a good opportunity to make a difference to society. Anyway, it is too late to complain now. No point crying over spilt milk.

Maybe, all this will make sense in the future when I look behind, in hindsight. At this point, everything I did in the past one year at times, seems futile.  

My Revelation !

Yesterday, I had a sort of a revelation. I realised it is so pointless crying over the things you don’t have, instead of being grateful for the things you do ! I know that sounds utterly bookish. But you know how it is, the most basic of things hit you on a Tuesday afternoon when you’re just about doing nothing.

You keep thinking about how you’ll be much happier if that one thing in your life got better…and then another thing…and then another ! It never ends, I guess. The idea is to ground yourself in the present. And that’s easier said than done. But I’ll try…keeping with New Year resolution. The year is not even new any more !

Yesterday S got home really really late. It made me so mad to spend the whole day alone at home. I was already a bit stressed out over my usual problems – namely career. And then, this ! I decided to have a glass of wine to soothe my nerves. Bad decision. I ended up aggravating my headache. Henceforth, no alcohol when you’re feeling heavy headed already !! 

My First entry here…

Yet another attempt at blogging !

This time, I have to make a conscious effort to sound…rather, be positive. In my previous attempts, I gave up blogging because my past posts used to make me feel awful about myself. As in, I used to sound so negative and pessimistic, in general about everything around me, that it used to make me sick of myself ! I would be mortified if anybody saw those posts really.

The past year has been eventful in one way, and very uneventful in another. Moved to dubai after marriage, which entailed quitting my job. Decided to go for a long overdue career change, but that plan didn’t take off. Took my GMAT and landed a decent score. Now back to looking for a job in my previous line. A little discouraged with the previous unsuccesful job hunt. Not to mention, this line does not even interest me anymore. Would like to think, everything happens for the best, like Mom always says. But then, don’t all moms say things like that just to make their offsprings feel better about the future ? There…that’s the eternal pessimist in me.

Anyway, this year I’ve taken a few resolutions. I hope to stick through atleast one of them sincerely. The first one, is to be more positive in life, and be grateful for what I am and what I have. The second, is to be more serious about my fitness regime. Would love to have a fit body, replete with all those cuts on my arms ! The third, is to be get involved in some sort of social work. And the fourth, is to learn a dance form and pursue it seriously. And the fifth…oops, I think I can go on and on at this rate ! The key is to limit it to a couple of resolutions, so you don’t get discouraged easily. But I have to work on it.

That’s all for today, I guess. I do have lots more to write. Will save it for the next few posts.  

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